Facebook Pregnancy Announcements, Part Deux

Not surprisingly, there were some differing opinions on yesterday’s post. I’m just sorry I was stuck in meetings most of the day and was forced to miss most of it, but some of you had the best stories.

I felt I couldn’t just leave it at that and thus have decided to do a follow-up Q&A session.

Some of these are questions from the comments, some from other blogs and some I’ve just completely made up assuming someone has asked them.

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Q: Did you know that you’re just a bitter, wretched shrew?

Oh why thank you–I’m so glad you noticed. I was worried I was being too subtle.

In my defense, that has nothing to do with infertility–I’ve always been this way. It’s kind of my thing–part of my charm. However, being infertile has certainly honed that side of me to the razor sharp edge you see today.

Don’t you find me infinitely endearing? …. Oh, never mind then.

Q: Shouldn’t you just be happy for your friends? They’d be happy for you.

I think Jerry Seinfeld said it best: “Well, I don’t know if I’m happy for them. I mean, I’m glad their happy, but frankly it doesn’t do anything for me.”

And really, these aren’t my good friends we’re talking about. We’re talking about people I haven’t spoken to in years; are just friends of friends; or are people I don’t even like. Such is the nature of Facebook.

If we really are good friends, I’d kind of expect not to find out from a picture of their pee stick. And then, I’ll be as happy as I can be for them, but I’ve gotta say, the longer this bullshit goes on, the harder it is to feel that way. And that’s just me being totally honest.

Besides it goes both ways. If they really are a good friend and I’m being happy for them, then they should understand that their joy is hard for me. Plus, they might never get the chance to be happy for me–and that’s the trouble with all this.

Q: How is it any different than saying “I just graduated from university” when someone who didn’t graduate reads it?

There is a world of difference. Not graduating from university (as an example) is ultimately a choice. No matter what obstacles are standing in their way, someone could conceivably correct that situation should their will and desire be strong enough. Not so with a condition such as infertility–I can’t make myself be fertile no matter how hard I work at it.

The equivalent would be more along the lines of “I’m so glad I have my health!” to someone who’s just found out they have cancer. (And yes, the World Health Organization recognizes infertility as a disease.)

Or as Stinky pointed out, someone who’s just lost their legs reading “Just went for a fabulous 10 mile run!” That would hurt, just like it hurts to read a pregnancy announcement. Right or wrong, that’s just the way it is.

Are we being too sensitive? Perhaps. But walk a few steps in these shoes and see if you still say that. Until you’ve been here, you can’t imagine how hard it is.

ETA comment from Fucking Infertility: Infertility (within the timeframe of typical fertile years – not in children or older people, of course) is undoubtedly a disability. You lack the ability to do something that is considered something everyone can do.

Q: Why don’t you just quit Facebook if it bothers you so much?

Two reasons:

a) Why should I have to? I’ve got just as much right to harvest your pumpkins; get invited to your shitty band CD release party; or watch you quote song lyrics in your attempt to appear angsty and deep as anyone else does.

b) I can’t quit. And I don’t mean that in a “I’m so addicted, I must have it” sort of way. I mean I work in marketing and PR and manage Facebook pages for companies. It’s how I (partially) get paid. And I need that money because I might have to pay for an IVF treatment or Chinese baby one day.

Q: Well you’re going to announce it on Facebook if you get pregnant.

I’m not sure I will. I’ve actually thought about this a lot. Of course I’m going to want to tell the world, but if I cause even one person to feel the way I do when I see a pregnancy announcement, I wouldn’t like that very much. If I did put it on Facebook, I feel like it would have to come with some kind of disclaimer: “After X years of trying, I’m finally pregnant, and I couldn’t be more grateful.”

Kind of how AL said she did it: “Husband and I are excited to announce we are expecting! Baby is due May 25, 2011! We are so blessed and thankful! And very happy to be in the second trimester.” I think any infertile could read between those lines.

Q: So then what should people do?

Nothing. They should just do what they were going to do because that’s how it works. I know they aren’t doing it to be hurtful, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting anyways. It sucks. It would be nice if people would be a tiny bit sensitive and not drone on incessantly about being pregnant, but that’s their choice. Just like it’s my choice to hide them.

Arohanui said it well: “No matter how, when, where or WTF? way people announce their pregnancies, it will always be painful to those of us who remain fertility challenged. But when we finally get our dreams answered we should be allowed to celebrate our joy without feeling constrained to respectful silence.”

Q: Well you really are just an angry cow aren’t you?

I realize that, but please don’t take anything I say too seriously (unless I’m actually being serious). Sarcasm is my constant companion (sometimes it gets me in trouble). It was all meant in good fun.

This isn’t a place for fertile bashing (although it might happen on occasion), this is a place where I can connect with other women experiencing the same things I am. Often our in-real-life friends (sometimes the ones we’re supposed to be so happy for) get tired of us going on and on about our appointments and treatments and drugs.

They’re tired of dealing with our drah-ma.

The sad truth is that, often, we’re all alone in this battle and going online is the best support we have.

I also like to laugh and I like to make other people laugh. So if any of my bitter vitriol makes even one woman smile and think “fuck yeah, I feel exactly the same way”, well then I’m happy.

Q: Why do you swear so fucking much?

Because I do. I think it’s funny.

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Tomorrow: 10 ways to announce you’re infertile on Facebook… because I just had to after you’ve gotten the ball already rolling.