Why is wanting a baby selfish?
Over the last week, Fucking Infertility has been getting some backlash over this post. If you’ve been on the infertility side of the discussion, you’ll completely understand what she means when she says these things. Unfortunately, it seems there are several people out there who a) never had trouble getting pregnant and b) have never actually tried getting pregnant who think she’s evil and bitter for saying these things.
(People, her blog is called Fucking Infertility–I’m pretty sure bitter is gonna find its way in there somewhere. But I digress.)
It was this comment that I felt need to be addressed because it so succinctly sums up all the ignorance and stupidity that plagues the fertile world.
The commenter ascertains that women aren’t getting pregnant to spite us. Okay, that might be true, but I know of at least two women who got pregnant because of me. They heard about my struggle and they saw the biological clock ticking and they thought to themselves “gee, I better get on this.” And guess what? They both got pregnant right away. When they told me this, it was huge slap in the face.
I was their cautionary tale and yet, while they succeeded easily, I was still left there holding the bag. Trust me, that didn’t feel good and yah, it was a little hard to not to feel like people were getting pregnant at me then.
The commenter then launches into the “why don’t you just adopt” mantra. I actually want to spit seething venom at anyone who has this thought as evidenced here. She then says wanting your own child is selfish, but this is something I don’t get. How is wanting a baby selfish? How is wanting your own baby selfish?
I will freely admit that I wanted my baby. I wanted to experience pregnancy and I want to experience childbirth. But I don’t see how that makes me a horrible person. The need to procreate is biological. It’s been ingrained into our DNA for thousands of years. Do people really think that infertility changes any of that? If everyone else gets to experience the joy of having their own baby then why shouldn’t I get to as well?
This isn’t like owning a fancy car or big dream house where some people get it all and some people don’t. This is the act of creating life. This is where the playing field should be open and level to everyone. If child molesters and drug addicts and prostitutes get to procreate ad infinitem then I should fucking be able to as well.
To suggest that feeling otherwise is somehow selfish or unreasonable is short-sighted and ridiculous. (And I’m sorry, someone who already has their own biological children doesn’t have the right to comment on this. You have your own kids, your perspective is not the same as someone who doesn’t. So please keep your mouth shut.)
Of course, if we had come to that point we would have considered adoption because yes, the end goal is a child, no matter whose it is. But it would have been a journey to get there. Ask anyone who has experienced the process of realizing they will never have their own child–I’ve heard people liken it to a grieving process. You’re mourning the death of the children you never knew and it takes a lot of strength and self-reflection to make it to the side where you can accept that.
Until you’ve faced that question, looked inside yourself and asked yourself what you truly want, you have no clue.
Wanting a baby of our own doesn’t make me or any of my fellow infertiles selfish.
It makes us human.
Hear Hear! I was so upset looking at what FI was having to deal with. People are such asshats sometimes.
Well said, this is absolutely spot on. I like FI for saying it as it is and admire her (and all the other wounderful ladies whose blogs I follow) for opening up about their feelings although this is bound to make them vulnerable to some peoples ignorance. I doubt I could take these blows, that’s why I never blogged on infertility.
Seeing how people have reacted to her made me really mad at all these “never been there”-s, who still not only obviously read a blog dealing with infertility (I wonder why) but also feel strongly enough about the subject to pick up the virtual pen and make uneccessary and hurtful comments!
How do they actually dare call someone who is clearly suffering “selfish” and “bitter” as an insult? Yes, we are bitter- of course we are, dear fertiles.
Even now, I am still bitter when someone gets pregnant really easily after say 2 months of trying. And even though I try not to, I will probably always feel bitter (to a certain extent) about what infertility has robbed me of.
It has robbed me of enjoying my pregnancy, because I was worried sick 24/7. It has most likely robbed me of the chance to give my child a sibling, as I can not face getting on the roller coaster again.
If we are selfish for wanting and hoping for a happy pregnancy and a healthy baby, then so be it. Go, FI and go, Elphaba, you are both great!
*wonderful*, not wounderful…ahhh me and my typos!
Oh wow, that comment was so incredibly ridiculous and uneducated. ARGh!!!!!!!!!! As much as I fucking hate IF, at least it taught me to be more compassionate and understanding about an issue that millions of people deal with (usually in silence!). I honestly try EVERY SINGLE DAY to educate a “real life” friend or acquaintance about it. Actually, the other night when i was bartending, I had a customer say something like “at least it was fun trying” when I said it took us a couple of years of TTC. I responded with, “nope, not really. not when it had to involve specialists, an assload of money, and my husband working out of state at the time of conception to pay for it all.”
UGH. “nuff said.
I think part of the problem here is (and I don’t know anything about the people who commented on my stuff, just saying this in general) that the internet is full of people too young to face these issues who still believe they have it alllll figured out and like to whip out what they think are brilliant one-liners like (just say this one on postsecretcommunity today): “Anyone who wouldn’t be willing to go through the adoption process isn’t fit to parent anyway.” Sounds so simple and quotable and great, doesn’t it? Our short-attention span world now loves little sound bites like this, which completely ignore any gray areas or the true complexity of the matter. When I talk about wishing infertility on people, it’s on people like that. I hope to HELL that little shit has to face the reality of her words one day.
The solutions really are so simple if you only know a bit about them and want to get up on your high horse because it makes you feel better about whatever is wrong in your own life. If only they were so simple in reality.
FUck yes. People who “don’t wish IF on anyone” are full of shit. Who *doesn’t* wish it on asshats like that?
I am ALL for adoption. However, I think it is a huge decision, and not something someone should just “suggest” in passing to someone via the internet. The people who mention this in passing (you have money! you are young! adopt!) would never be okay with being told you must not take any control over their own fertility. One of my closest friends once told me she thinks that the practice of breastfeeding an adopted child is un-natural. I totally disagreed. She said, “You should be ok with what Gd gave you. If you have to adopt, that means you shouldn’t breastfeed”. I then pointed out that she had a boob job, wasn’t she happy with what Gd gave her? Some people have all of the answers for other people’s lives.
They (fertile myrtles) don’t understand. And I hate when people bring up adoption like you are buying a sweater!!! So aggrivating! And like we’ve never had the thought cross our mind! “Wow, thank you!! I never knew you could do that!” OY!
Well said!!
So, here’s the thing, while I certainly agree with your sentiments, I really cringe at your use of the term “own baby/child” when referencing adoption. Because, and I’m sure you didn’t mean to insinuate otherwise, my boys are my “own” as much as they would be if I had given birth to them. I am guessing what you meant was that you want to have your a biological child (and all that comes with – pregnancy, labor and delivery, etc…), which OF COURSE you have a right to! “Own baby”, however, suggests that my children are less/different than if I had given birth to them. While the world needs educating about IF, it does about adoption as well
My apologies–yes, I absolutely meant “biological” when I said “own”. That was a poor choice of words. Thanks for correcting me!
I’m convinced to this day that one of my closest friends went home and got pregnant the same day I told her about my miscarriage. Her and her partner had been talking about having a 2nd but she’d been delaying. As soon as she heard my news the next thing I know she’s preggers. She said it happened too quickly, yes, to me. Her baby is a month old now, she gave birth roughly 6 weeks after ours should have been born. I still need to buy her a baby gift. Better get on that!
To be honest I wrote a post a while back about how others pregnancy announcements don’t upset me too much. I threw a baby shower for my best friend about 5 months ago, it was a tiny bit difficult, but not too bad. To be honest though now after the 3rd documented miscarriage it’s getting a bit more difficult. But I still feel there won’t be one less for me if someone else gets pregnant. I’m just tired of waiting.
agree with all of the above.
You’ve have addressed the commenter’s ignorance so perfectly!
Ohhh she pisses me off!!
There is another “common” comment that really irks the crap out of me!
And that is the…
“Well at least you aren’t homeless”
“Or you’re not legless”
“Or you’re no living in a third world country”
Yeah well guess what “NEITHER ARE YOU!! And you were allowed to want a baby (and it’s more than a baby, it’s a family) and have one so why shouldn’t I.
I hate when people try to diminish your feelings by pulling the “You could be in a wheelchair so count your blessings!”
Well so could fucking you!! Thank You for your worthless platitudes!!
So I would love to tell that commenter to keep her “privileged” comments to herself! Get back to me when she is homeless, legless and childless!
Yes, I”ve always found “It could be worse, so stop sniveling” to be such an empathetic response. Of course I’m fucking glad I don’t live in Somalia. Jesus, did that really have to be clarified?
But what if you were INFERTILE IN SOMALIA? Snort.
Hahaha!
Perfectly written and I absolutely agree. Like I said on Chon’s post, I’m so sick to death of having to justify why I wanted my own biological child. I am human and a woman afterall. Australian adoption is so hard to pursue and fixed for the incredibly wealthy to acquire. So as an infertile and basically poor, I had no right whatsoever to be a mother. It took me 6 years to finally have my son. I had every right to struggle and finally have him.
Adopted children are not the same. They have another set of parents. They grew in another woman, she was their mother first and always will be. To pretend differently is denial.
@WE above: That is a VERY nasty way of putting it, you are a bitch.
And, to someone who wants to be a mother and doesn’t care HOW (pregnancy or adoption), she couldn’t care less about the difference. Blood is not the most important thing when it comes to FAMILY. A friend of mine recently adopted a newborn and she is experiencing all of the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I experienced with my biological daughter. Her blood does not run through her child’s veins but that is 100% HER daughter. No question about it.
Parenthood is a sacrifice from the very beginning. The sacrifice never ends. “Selfish” is the last thing I would use to describe it.
I’m sorry that I worded as such. I just think that the child will always have another mother. Maybe not another caregiver but still there was a first mother. To say it’s the same as your own child is just silly.
You call someone a BITCH because there words are harsh. Oh the irony!
oops “their words”
That entertainmentweakly chick is a cunt. A word I use very, very sparingly, in spite of how liberal I am with the other cuss words. But she is.
entertainment my arse.
I just caught up with all the comments from the arseholes (oh my. Only 2 sentences and ‘arse’ mentioned twice already!) last night and am gobsmacked by the sheer ignorance of stoopid people living in a bubble!
And yes, I never read it that way until I read above, but I know of at least one person who did the same. The only person at school who bothered to talk to me about any of the miscarriage stuff in 2 years, and keep talking. She told me they were planning kids about a year away but after she heard what had happened to me, got on it straight away, and utd straight away. that stung, while I was genuinely happy for her, hard to go through the evolving griefstuff next to her evolving tum.
And that “have you thought of adoption” comment fucks me RIGHT off, because invariably its made by someone who HASN’T adopted, knows next to nothing about the process, and while I know they are trying to say something helpful, its better to try and keep gob shut on the solutions, and ear open for the listening.
I think those who say all these awful things, especially the “why don’t you just adopt” are those kind of people who have never experienced anything bad at all in their lives ever. It’s no excuse for being rude or mean, but they really are the definition of ignorant. They just plain don’t know any better.
A-fucking-men.
Very, very, well-written.
Well, I’ve been secretly reading your blog, and I must confess. I didn’t have trouble getting pregnant and here I am reading an infertility blog. I realize this might seem odd. I would just like to say on behalf of “my type” that I’m completely on your side of this argument. What an insensitive comment.
Before we started trying I worried that it would be difficult to get pregnant. I even went so far as to do the research on adoption and recognize that on top of being expensive it can take years. Not to mention the risk of an older than newborn baby having an attachment disorder. I’m grateful we were fortunate enough not to have to confront a decision like that.
I’m only 15 weeks pregnant with my first and thus far my most prevalent symptom has been bleeding…what a joy. A simple trip to the toilet has turned into a make-or-break event. Even though I can’t relate to your struggle, I feel like I can relate to your fear that something is bound to go wrong at any moment. Maybe the excitement will come when I start to believe this whole ordeal will actually result in a baby… Anyway, I guess that’s my excuse for reading your blog.
Congratulations on your little one! You deserve it. And thanks for writing this blog.
(I’m going to sign this comment using my blog ID, but just want to pass on that my blog is unaware that I am pregnant. If, by chance, you meander over there, I’d appreciate your help in keeping the closest door shut.)
You don’t need an excuse to read
I’m happy to have any kind of readers. Congrats on your pregnancy, but boo to bleeding. That must be so scary!