The womanly art of breastfeeding… ha.

My biggest adjustment to becoming a mother hasn’t been about a lack of sleep. So far, I’ve been pretty lucky in that department and I’m just crossing my fingers it stays that way.

No, the biggest obstacle in my life right now is the often painful, annoying and difficult art of breastfeeding. There I said it. Right now, I don’t really like it. I’m a horrible mother.

Even though I know how good it is for her and how important it is, I can’t believe that something that supposed to be so ‘natural’ is so fucking difficult. There have been no beatific moments between mother in child as my life force flows forth from my swollen breasts to nourish and care for my growing baby in my house. There have just been a lot of tears and frustration.

It started in the hospital when I couldn’t get Alice to latch. I’m sure part of the reason was the fact that she was almost two days old before I really got to try feeding her due to her stay in intermediate care. The lactation consultant also decided I had flat nipples. Which fair enough, they did seem that way, but I wish she would have made me try a little harder. Instead, she whipped out the nipple shield almost immediately.

My advice? Don’t let them do this to you unless there really is a problem and it’s not just the result of a hurried (and maybe inexperienced) lactation consultant. I so wish she had made me persevere a little more before resorting to an aid. But the nipple shield did make an appearance and when it worked immediately, I latched on (pun intended) to it instantly, grateful that Alice was finally getting fed.

The thing is a giant pain in the ass because you constantly have to clean and sterilize it and when I’m trying to get her to feed, it’s constantly getting in the way and falling off etc. It means I can never easily whip out a boob outside my home and will forever be tethered to the 1-3 hour window of feeding.

That was the first problem.

The second came when Alice started having green poop. Some obsessive searching on the internet revealed it might be an oversupply problem. And sure enough, I realized my milk was spraying out in jets strong enough to put out a fire and I was constantly engorged. Alice was also letting a ton of it dribble out the side of her mouth because she couldn’t keep up and I’d end up with wet, clammy lap. The milk was also being lost out the side of the shield.

The green poop suggested this was the result of a hind milk fore milk imbalance. Great. Who would have thought too much milk would be the problem? The suggestion was to start feeding from one side only and try and get her to stay there as long as possible. That seemed to be partially working, but again, I think the shield was preventing her from getting as much milk from the breast as she could, resulting in my engorgement and her not getting enough hind milk.

And then we discovered we had thrush which was a) making her fussy b) making my nipples burn and c) just another thorn in my side. We went to the doctor to get all the necessary accoutrements to cure it. One of which is a cream that I rub on my nipples that makes the nipple shield even harder to use because now it was sliding all over the place.

I was also told at a La Leche League meeting that the nipple shields themselves could be contributing to the thrush and could keep reintroducing the bacteria, thus making it impossible to ever cure.

You see how this vicious circle is continuing? How one problem turns into another and then another? How I’ve cried about this more than once so far? I’ve been feeling like I couldn’t win.

So yesterday I made a bold decision and I ditched the shield. Cold turkey. Alice wasn’t happy with me at first, but she too persevered. Obviously feeding this way is more work because she would pass right out after feeding. Because I was using the crutch of the shield, we don’t have the best latch yet and I’ve got some work to do there.

It sucks, because after five weeks of breastfeeding, it feels like I’m almost starting all over again.

But I am determined to do this. I was lamenting how I wished formula was trendy–it seems so much easier. But breastfeeding will get easier eventually and the work of formula never goes away. Plus, I can’t discount the overwhelming evidence in favour of breast milk.

Sore nipples and all. I will overcome.

Eventually.