A mother’s doubt
One of the hardest things to come to terms with in being a new mother is the constant doubt. There are so many things to know, so many things to worry about, so many things to consider–how on earth do I know if I’m doing any of it right?
A week ago, when I got rid of the nipple shield and Alice started feeding so quickly all of a sudden, I was constantly worried she wasn’t eating enough. I watched her diapers like a hawk, checking for dark urine and obsessing about how many times a day she went.
I worried that she seemed to be sleeping so much. I worried that she seemed to be crying more. I was convinced I was both torturing and starving my baby all at the same time. I was terrified to let her to go to sleep, convinced that in her deprived state she’d die in her bed and it would all be my fault because I had forced her to do something she wasn’t ready for.
I longed to weigh her every day and even went so far as to weigh myself on my bathroom scale and then hold her and weigh us both, subtracting the difference. Except that couldn’t possibly be working because on one day she was 12 lbs and then the next day she was 10 lbs and then the next day 11 lbs. Even in my state of crazy, I had to admit, that couldn’t be right.
She couldn’t possibly be changing that much from day to day.
When I went to the breastfeeding clinic on Wednesday, I got to weigh her for real and she came in at 10 lbs 14 oz, meaning she’d been gaining an ounce a day since her last weigh-in, just like she was supposed to.
It turns out I wasn’t starving her.
But I tell you, there are few things that mess with your mind more than thoughts like this.
You can read all the books you want, listen to all the advice out there and try and absorb as much information as you can, but when it comes to dealing in real life, none of that matters when it’s 11 pm and your little one is screaming her head off and you can’t figure out why.
It’s got to be the most difficult learning curve in the world. But then it’s also the most rewarding… especially when you get this:
I can only imagine. I think that scares me quite a bit. I’m so paranoid with my pregnancy, i can only imagine how crazy I’ll get when the baby actually gets here! I thing you’re handling things quite well.
And she is gorgeous, as usual.
I had SOOO much anxiety when Piper first came home. Some of those same thoughts, actually! When I told my doctor that she would cry a bunch in the evening, she told me something I wasn’t expecting, that it was good because it meant she was processing everything she experienced that day. And here I thought her life was so awful that she just couldn’t handle it!
Being a FTM is so hard, emotionally, but you’re doing great! Keep it up
.
All I can say is it gets better! You become more confident and they become more predictable. Trust your gut and breathe deep. That’s what I keep telling myself at least…
I have no advice for you but your kid is damn cute!
Wow, that smile is out of control cute.
Oh the worry. Oh the doubt. There is so much that we don’t know. There is so much that we might mess up on. I remember worrying CONSTANTLY that I was feeding Isa enough. I still do, but less so now. I’m realizing that she is going to eat what she eats and if her doctor says she’s okay I have to be okay with that, even though she always drops in the percentile charts.
I wish I could say it get betters. I guess it does. Maybe we just get better at doubting ourselves! Ha. That’s probably it.
Looking gorgeous!
She is beautiful!
I’m extremely biased but you seriously have the cutest baby(aside from my daughter of course) I’ve seen. And that face makes every moment good and bad and everything in between worth it.
We will worry for the rest of our lives. My mother still worries about me and my siblings, I imagine I’ll be the same with Raegan and my future children. It’s what we signed up for….
Ps tx for the advice….because I’m still pumping to build up a stock pile we’re successfully breast feeding 3-4 times a day and pumping for bottle feeds the other 3-4 feedings. You are an inspiration and I thank you for it.
Oh my gosh that smile is crazy cute! I think you are a wonderful Mommy! She is doing so well! I have seen how difficult it is through my cousins and friends.
She’s so cute!
It is the hardest most stressful overwhelming thing in the world! You long forher to sleep better but when she does you worry that she hasn’t cried because.she died. It makes the most sane realistic person crazy!!!
But you are right, totaly worth it! Just wait til she giggles!
I think feeding has been the biggest stress for me. From breastfeeding, to formula, to how much, how often….it’s all so hard! You are doing great!!
That smile says it all mamma. When C1 was born premature I fretted over how much milk he was getting.. and ended up hiring the most AMAZING lac. consultant who brought food to us at every visit! She had me rent a scale that we used before and after each feeding to know exactly how much he was getting. (It was sensitive to the ounce). It helped to know when he did indeed need to go back on the breast for a few minutes longer. I mention this not so much for you as it looks like you two are doing great- but for any others who might read here and wonder the same thing!
Sending light….
What a great smile she has!!!! Thank you for writing this. I’m saving it for when I’m breastfeeding and having doubts and need to know I am not alone!!!!!
Fantastic smile! I think you are doing a brilliant job. You are a devoted and loving mother and that’s all that matters.
Amy x
She’s so gorgeous! What a cutie
.
One of the best things I ever did was buy a baby scale. Even now at 9 months, I still use it weekly to keep track of Isaac’s weight gain. Best purchase ever – it really did put my mind at ease in the early days when he was having trouble regaining his birth weight.
I’m new to your blog. Your daughter is beautiful!! I agree that the worrying never stops. If it’s not one thing, it’s something else, and before you know it, it’s consuming you! It’s all a learning curve though and we just have to take it in stride. Sounds like you are doing a great job!