What’s in an infertility blog?
I started this blog about a year and half ago after I’d had a miscarriage and subsequently discovered getting pregnant a second time wasn’t going to happen with a snap of my fingers. I was angry and sad and confused and I felt really alone surrounded by fertile friends and family members who had no clue what I was going through.
A New York Times article I came across one day talked about the infertility blogger and the community that existed in the world wide web. When I saw that, I immediately wanted in.
The article of course referenced Mel and so after setting myself up, I hopped on over and signed up for my very first ICLW. I was quickly featured on her Friday blog round up and from there I met a few friends and never looked back. This blog became my source of strength. It became my sounding board and a place to say the awful, horrible things I wanted to say out loud. I found hundreds of women who finally understood me.
But then I got pregnant.
Without intervention, a week before my first visit to the fertility clinic, I got those two magic pink lines. And with that, everything changed.
A little while ago Jjiraffe asked if there was an expiration date on the infertility blog. She has always maintained that she isn’t interested in blogging about parenting and that infertility is where her heart is, even though she has her babies. She cited a few examples of blogs that had evolved into other things, including myself, whom she referenced as a mommy blogger.
I was a bit shocked at the comment at first, because I guess I hadn’t realized that’s what I had done. Although I consciously changed the name and look of my blog after Alice was born, I hadn’t categorized myself as anything different yet. But when it comes down to it, I guess that’s what I am now. Unlike Jjiraffe, I no longer feel the tug and need to write about infertility all the time simply because it isn’t a part of my everyday reality anymore. Obviously it’s still something that comes up for me and it will always be there in the background, but now I’m in a place where I would rather write about my adventures in parenting.
Part of that is simply a need to write about my immediate surroundings and the other is self preservation. Sometimes I just don’t want to go back to that dark place. (But of course I will when someone needs me, as with what happened this week.)
What I’m concerned about is how that now alienates me from the ALI community. I haven’t participated in ICLW in a long, long time because I just don’t feel like it’s appropriate anymore. When I was struggling to get pregnant, I kind of resented clicking onto a blog only to discover a post about morning sickness or sleep training when what I wanted to read about someone else who was going through what I was. I was always left with the feeling that the only thing for me to say was “wow, aren’t you lucky to be pregnant/have a baby.”
I don’t really want to do that to someone else and so, I guess that means I now exist on the edge of the community. Having experienced loss and struggle, but also having come out successful on the other side. So what’s next? I guess, for now, I’ll keep writing and see where it takes me, mommy blogging and all.
ETA: Okay Josey, just put into words what I had kind of been thinking. Would people who are pregnant or parents be interested in forming a similar pregnant/parenting after infertility network? This is certainly wouldn’t be intended to alienate anyone who isn’t a parent or pregnant, but simply be a place for those of us who are feeling a little caught between worlds to connect to. Let me know in the comments if you’d be up for it.
I still consider my blog an infertility blog even though I am pregnant because I have been through infertility. Although the title of my blog can be adapted into somthing else.. still thinking about that.. I have participated in ICLW but I make sure I say the words “pregnant after infertility” in the description so people immediately know the story. There are a lot of people like me and you out there that don’t “fit” – and it is what comes next after infertility – and I think Mel is such a good example, esp since I heard she started her blog after she had her kids.
I wish there was a better PAIF (Parenting After Infertility) network, because I think a lot of us feel this way. *sigh*
Okay, you just took the words out of my mouth. I’ve kind of been thinking about this for a while.
I think it’s a great idea!!!
I would imagine you are in a weird-ish place right now, blog-wise. I do think that you have a good handle on IF issues, even with your beautiful baby, and truly (to me) do not come across as a Smug Mommyblogger at all. I may not experience what you are, but I’m still very interested in your journey and your insight.
Aw, thank you–that’s very nice of you to say. And thank you for reading even if we aren’t in the same place right now. I really do appreciate it.
Personally, I really enjoy reading your blog from your unique perspective. There are a loads of mommy blogs, but very few of those women have gone through IF or are willing to blog about the difficulty of this all. I am a mommy, but I’m also an infertile and your blog is exactly my cup of tea
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I hope you keep it up!!!
Hell yes- we need that!!
I love the idea of having a group of “Parenting after IF” I have loved blogging through IF, but now I feel uncomfortable with being a mommy blog, even though i really don’t have much to say about if anymore.
I still follow those that are in the midst of their if journey and comment and think of them, but I feel weird with my stuff. So I just started a mommy blog.
Anyways, if you set something like that up, let me know, I am in!
Well written. When I started my blog 2 1/2 years ago I had intended to use it as a SMC blog, to connect with others like me. After I struggled through 6 IUI’s before moving on to IVF, my blog evolved into an IF blog. IF is now something I feel passionate about and it stays with me every day, but you are right, now that I’m pregnant I want to use my blog to document my pregnancy and (hopefully all goes well) parenting.
But I don’t fit into the normal fertile world either. I continue to root for and cry with my IF friends in the trenches daily. I continue to have significant amounts of fear because I know all too well what can happen, having been part of the IF community.
In all honesty, I felt very lost when I finally got pregnant. I didn’t want to talk about it too much because I know how that feels when still struggling, but I wanted to talk about it a lot at the same time… to process this miracle. I know that you are on to something… Pregnant & Parenting After Infertility could use a structured community.
BB-
I’d follow you and your blog wherever you go Elphaba – in a non stalker type of way!
I understand why you feel you don’t fit anymore. There’s definitely a gap in the market for a Parents after Infertility Network.. P.A.I.N << cos that's what everyone's been through to get here.. Then there's the terrifying prospect of trying again (if nature allows)
I definitely wish there was a parenting after IF network. I started a blog right before I got pregnant and abandoned it when pregnant because I felt like I didn’t need to write at that time, though I continued to follow other blogs (including yours) that had been a helpful place for me (though I was a silent follower). Now, I feel like I need to write and I’m looking for a community. Parenting after IF feels like the right community–it really isn’t just “mommy blogging,” but it definitely isn’t IF blogging either.
I named my blog with the intention of transitioning into mommy blogging at some point. But now that I have actually crossed that line, I would kinda feel like an asshole gushing about the Crumb on my blog. Which is probably why I haven’t really posted in a long, long time. I feel like the only things I have left to say are the kinds of things that hurt me when I was struggling. I don’t want to be that person.
And yet, I haven’t suddenly been cured of my infertility. A lot of the comments from people in my life I’ve received regarding the Crumb have hurt, even unintentionally. When and if we try for a second one, I’ll have to go through the whole shebang once more. Not to mention that my PCOS is still a health concern.
In other words, I would be up for a PAIF network.
Ok, but can you post about Crumb soon please???
Thank you for writing about this.
It is a strange nebulous land after you successfully give birth to a child after infertility. I wasn’t blogging then, but remember the blissful feeling and the thought: I’ve finally arrived! And yet, there was a darkness there that I didn’t (couldn’t?) acknowledge too, which you mentioned. I think a lot of people could benefit from a group of other moms also traversing this unique territory. Because it’s different from regular parenting blogging, and it’s different from infertility blogging. I haven’t seen anything like that out there. I think a network could be very, very useful. And, you’re just the kind of blogger who could build an excellent one
In the UK we have the ACeBabies forums for those who got their babies after a struggle, and who need support from others who really understand that the past doesn’t leave you just becuase you got the outcome you desire. I defo hope to join that forum one day. It’s linked to Infertility Network UK and I know members do pop back now and again to offer some expert adivse e.g. on egg donation or the like, so, yes, I think there is a need, so go ahead and set up that community!!!
I have done ICLW twice since announcing, but I too always make sure in the ’3 words you write most about’ I put “BFP” so people know. Though I still write about infertility. I am 20 weeks now and if we make it to a healthy baby I would be interested in jumping to a network like you described.
As someone new to the struggles of IF and the wonderful blogging support community, I am finding that, depending on the day and my mood, I can choose to read parenting after IF blogs or stick to reading those from IFers who haven’t become parents yet. Some days I want to read your stories… I think of them as success stories… And I think we all need to know and see proof of the fact that it can and does end happily for many! So thanks for the inspiration and hope you share… And keep it up!
I would LOVE to have a community like that!!! I feel so caught in between the two worlds. Half of the things I say, I worry that they will hurt someone who is still struggling… the other half seem to alienate my fertile friends who have no idea what it is to struggle. It’s hard to edit everything that I say and feel, based on how I imagine other people will feel about it. I need to have a place to be honest, to struggle and triumph, find support, and still belong.
Melissa – Hi Shawna:I don’t recall how I tmbsuled across your blog, but truly feel lucky that I did you are inspiring in so many ways, especially when it comes to sharing your fertility struggle – thank you. My husband and I had a miscarriage on January 17th…& the reason I am reaching out to you is to ask if you have any advice to share with someone who is still struggling and wants more than anything to be a mom. I’m beginning to feel consumed by trying to get pregnant again & most recently feeling more & more alone since it seems everyone around us is having success. People say not to dwell and not to stress…but that seems nearly impossible (especially given my personality
and I was just curious if there was anything specific (aside from your amazing blog) you did or perhaps there was even a book you may have read that helped in alleviating some of the stress/focus of trying to conceive? A few months ago we started to undergo several rounds of the routine testing & feel blessed that all looks ok so far but I’m still scared, sad, and frustrated. Although next month may bring more testing, for now we continue to stay positive & patient while we hope for the best & no more tears. Recently, I have decided I need to put my focus on something else which brought me to a dslr workshop “take your camera off program mode” & a photoshop class. Ever since my nieces were born, my love for photography was born as well which is when I purchased my Canon t3i (and along with it…I purchased all the books…but I quickly discovered I am not a manual-type learner either so I thought a workshop such as this one would be a good distraction and get me off & running on the right foot). What helped you during your most difficult/darkest days? You always are so positive…( yet another reason you are such a true inspiration to me). Thank you for taking the time to read this & thank you in advance for any suggestions you are willing to share with me. You are incredibly talented, an amazing mom, and a beautiful writer. Thank you for doing what you do & sharing it with all of us…from time to time I catch myself daydreaming about the day I too will become a mom & can hardly wait to make a blurb book (what a fabulous/creative idea—again, thank you for sharing!)Thank you for being such an inspiration, you have helped me in more ways than I could ever explain.[]
I have been struggling with something similar. I began my blog after my girl was stillborn, I am now pregnant and I am a bit hesitant to write lately. On the one hand I don’t want to upset other babyloss Mummas by going on about my pregnancy but on the other hand I really want to talk about it ( because I’m so freakin’ excited!!).
I don’t know if parenting after loss would be in the same category as parenting after infertility – but I would be interested your network
I have always felt on the fringe of the crowd as well. Although we had some trouble having our first, my infertility struggles really came when we tried to have our second. After getting pregnant after IVF with triplets, we lost all three boys at 20.5 weeks. Since then, we have had twins with another IVF round. I have always made my blog about my life which is a mix of infertility, grief, and parenting. I find it hard to know when to comment because I am afraid that I will not be accepted.
Delurking to make my first comment ever…I found the ALI community after I had two miscarriages in 2010. I loved following everyone’s journeys, people I could relate to when no one IRL can really understand what you’re going through. Like many of the blogs I follow, thankfully 2011 was the year of take-home baby for me, my son was born in November. Again, following everyone’s New Mommy journeys has been so helpful to me…the breastfeeding struggles, sleep issues, feelings of self-doubt, etc. I definitely hope you all continue to blog about your parenting-after-infertility lives because it is different than regular Mommy blogs and there are readers out there that are caught between worlds too. I look forward to following along.
I joined the infertile bloggers only 5 months ago. We had just started our journey, and our only option was to go straight into IVF. We were very blessed that our first attempt worked, but I do feel like I missed out on a lot of connections because we didn’t struggle as long as others. I only included myself in one ICLW because by the next one I was pregnant, and didn’t want people to come and feel uncomfortable. I also understandably saw a decline in readers after that.
Although I set up my blog to (hopefully) ultimately make the transition more into parenthood, I still think of myself as just in ‘Infertile Remission’. We’re not necessarily “cured”. It’s not likely we’ll ever be able to conceive naturally, and there’s no guarantee that our next IVF attempt will ever be as lucky as our first. So Infertility is not something we’ll ever not deal with.
I would love it if there was a parent after infertility network because I definitely have that ‘lost-in-between’ feeling, and would love to connect with more people.
I like your terminology! “Infertile Remission” is so accurate! It’s not something that is really cured.
Hi. I don’t post comments on your blog very much because I sometimes feel like I’m just another voice saying the same thing. But I have to speak my peace. Even though I am not currently pregnant (as far as I know) and haven’t been trying long enough to put myself in the “IF” category, I relate so much to what everyone on here goes through because for a while before we started trying, we weren’t able to try because we were waiting on other major life things to settle down before we could. To me, not being able to try was just as frustrating as not being able to conceive, so I too started blogging when we couldn’t conceive right away either. So even though we’ve only been trying for a few months, I have felt this same pain for 2 years. All that just to hopefully justify my spot in this community! When I started my own blog, I purposely titled it in a way that wouldn’t confine me to only writing about not being able to get pregnant, and I’m admittedly curious about those who title their blogs around infertility. Though some titles are amazingly clever, I have always wondered what they would do if and when they finally did have a baby. Do they intend on not blogging afterwards? I dunno and don’t think that’s for me to decipher. But through the blogging process, I became aware of my feelings: I am not hurt by the fertility of my friends, but by their lack of sensitivity to my situation. Once a friend finally was open to me sharing my feelings, their pregnancy bothered me less and less. All that to say, as long as you (or anyone, really) are not a smug preggo, you will not offend me. And going through this kind of agony teaches us not to be smug if and when we eventually do get to be a mom. Therefore, I really like the idea of a “Parenting After IF” group and would also be interested in joining if, or when, I get there. Then we can all while about the tough moments of raising a child as we also whine about how guilty we feel for whining! (LOL) I still very much enjoy reading your blog, BTW!
I’d also be interested in a PAIF network. While I still feel the sting and all of IF and loss, I’ve thankfully been one of the lucky ones to have made it to the other side. No longer an infertile (technically) but not a fertile either.
This reminds me that I should probably contact Mel again and have my blog relisted under the “parenting” category.
I have been feeling the same way. Everytime I write something about being a mom (which has become just about every post), I feel like a leper who should be shunned. I’m actually in the process of starting a whole new blog since my dusty uterus invited The Maids over. I love this community and want to stay in touch without feeling the understandable scorn of those still going through the muck.
Yes! This. Yes. I want to do this. I’m ready.
I found the ALI community when I was 9 weeks pregnant after 2 miscarriages. I had to tell someone deep in the dark place of IF about it, and didn’t know how to . So, despite my own struggles and how I would want to be told, I started googling. I found this blog right around the time of the “How to Announce on FB” post. Man – I needed that laugh! Best.
I got sucked in. I read a LOT of blogs, but rarely commented. I didn’t have the courage to start my own blog, and I felt like an impostor because I was already pregnant and therefore felt I didn’t belong. Moreover, I didn’t have the courage to be on the receiving end of some of the devastating comments I have seen on the blogs of other pregnant IFers. I also refrained from commenting as I resented feeling like I had to present my ‘IF credentials’ to be taken seriously. But I found a few women who have echoed how I felt, how I feel, and have helped me process and heal more than anyone in my ‘real life’ has or ever could.
Right now I keep a ‘baby blog’ about my son, but have only made the most veiled hints about IF. Since quitting FB, it where I post things for my friends/family. But I have struggled with such a wide variety of emotions in this part of the journey and have longed for this type of network. As I write this, I wonder whether to start a new blog, or just let it all hang out there for everyone I know to see. Either way, I want this network. We need it.
Let me know how I can help. I’m in.
I would be interested in following, and maybe even joining, a network like you’re describing. I’ve commented on your posts in the past (and most recently, a few days ago) about my transition from being what some call a “bitter infertile,” to a bitter mother after infertility, to a “happy for everyone” infertile. My transition was sweeping once it started after my son was about 2 months old (a transition that was fast-tracked due to my younger sister’s accidental third pregnacy resulting in three children UNDER the age of 3!!!), and I would find it interesting to watch others transition from infertililty to motherhood post-infertility. I’ve also thought about starting a blog just because I’d like to document my feelings and journey for my son.
One thing I do want to say, which is something you can’t say to fertile people, is that I truly do believe that parenthood after infertility – or after struggles getting pregnant – makes us appreciate our children more. It is this reason that I can’t relate to regular “mommy blogs” (and I hate that term – hence could never be one!! HA!). I ran into a woman at our locally-owned children’s store and the topic of my son being an IVF baby came up. Turns out, her daughter was an IVF baby 15 years ago after SIX rounds of IVF. We bonded instantly. And we talked about how special our kids are. We both agreed on this – Are our kids loved more than normal, easily-acquired babies? NO. Are they appreciated more? YES. You can’t say that to a fertile person – because they just can’t relate. The network you’re describing would be of great interest to me based on this alone!
Thank you for writing about this. I didn’t start writing my blog until what ended up being a month before I got pregnant the second time. I used to participate in ICLW but never really got many hits from it while pregnant – when I had my daughter I just stopped participating altogether, because no one would come. And I totally understood that, I just didn’t fit in there anymore.
I’m lucky that a lot of the bloggers I was reading before I read my blog got pregnant not long after me so I have been able to move with them into parenting and have not felt so much like I’m leaving everyone behind. Having said that, I still feel like I’m not sure where I belong here.
When I look back at my blog during pregnancy and in the six months after my daughter was born I cringe, because I don’t really like what I was writing about then. My whole life was taken over by pregnancy (mostly debilitating anxiety during pregnancy) and then new motherhood. Now I feel I’ve found my voice again and I enjoy tackling many topic, only some of them motherhood-centric.
Now that I’m TTC I’m really struggling with what to put up on my blog. I don’t want to write all about TTC all the time, and frankly I don’t think it will be as all consuming as it was the first time. At the same time it will be an important part of my life and I want to write about it thoughtfully. I’ve also written recently about feeling afraid that if I get pregnant quickly and easily the second time I will be even further ostracized here, I will belong even less than I do now.
This community can be hard to navigate. There are so many people walking so many paths toward the hope of parenthood. Some people have much harder journeys to endure than others. We all want to support each other but we also need to be honest with ourselves. It can be a difficult thing to figure out.
Thanks again for writing this.
This is an interesting post. I know when I first became pregnant it just felt like one long continuation of the IVF cycle that got me here. It was a bit of a grey spot because I felt like both an impostor within the IF community, but within the pregnancy/parenting community as well. Eventually, I started feeling a bit more confident in the pregnancy as it become clear I wasn’t going to lose one of the babies to vanishing twin and I wasn’t going to have another first trimester miscarriage. However, with that, I totally dropped off the face of the IF blogsphere. I only posted very, very infrequently and almost never commented anywhere. I felt like I was having a blogging identity crisis (why was I writing in the first place and who was my audience now?) – I guess I still steadfastly identified as an IF blogger but at the same time, I wondered how many IFers really would want to read about my pregnancy and I worried that I would hurt and alienate people in the process.
The interesting thing is that once I experienced a major complication in this pregnancy, felt like everything was in jeopardy all over again, and went on bed rest, not only did I have a strong need to start writing and reclaim my space for myself, but all the familiar feelings of my larger IF experience came flooding back and I no longer felt guilty and apologetic for writing. When I think about it, it’s actually a little sad and twisted that on some level I clearly feel that there is only a spot for me in this community when things are going badly (and that’s not because of anything anyone else has said to me, it’s more of a sentiment from within).
Lastly, in terms of the idea of a PAIF sub-community, I know that in some message board communities there is a distinction between those pregnant after IF/loss and those parenting after IF/loss…I actually really appreciate that distinction, since unfortunately as we all know way too well, pregnancy is a huge deal for the IFer and/or RPLer, yet no sure ticket to a healthy baby in your arms.
I actually started my blog a couple of years ago when I was single and looking for an outlet for the trials and tribulations of dating (I’ve had some very interesting experiences)! When I met my fiance, it transitioned into a homemaker type of blog and now that I’m pregnant, it’ll eventually be a mommy/homemaker blog. After I had a miscarriage last year and we started trying again, I started a side blog chronicling my story. Once I hit the 2nd trimester and announced my pregnancy to the world, I put that blog aside (though people are still able to find it and read it) and continued with the one I’ve had for years.
I feel like maybe you could extend the parenting after infertility to parenting after infertility or loss. Even though I haven’t had fertility issues, I did suffer a miscarriage, as I know many women who read this blog have, and that sets me aside from the women who had no trouble getting or staying pregnant. Pregnancy, and even parenting, isn’t the same for me, as the thought of the baby we lost will always be with me.
If I don’t belong, that’s fine. I’ll still continue to read about and encourage and pray for the women I’ve discovered through blogging.
I totally agree that it should be parenting after infertility and/or loss. And anyone who wants to join is more than welcome–there will be no ‘checklist’ or something that you have to meet
Thanks for this post. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I actually never meant my blog to be solely an infertility blog, although that’s where the focus initially was. And while I’ve been pregnant I’ve still felt very welcome in the ALI community (I’ve been really scared of losing my babies after a previous miscarriage). But I’m about to have my babies and feel like that is going to distance me. I love the idea of a group for parenting after infertility/loss…there are blogs I read and enjoy where women have gotten pregnant easily, but I feel like what I’ve been through puts me a little outside that circle as well.
Thanks for thinking of this and looking forward to participating!
YES PLEASE!!! I followed in your footsteps after Raegan was born and adjusted the title of my blog to include “Mommy.” I’m still infertile and will be attempting to go for #2 with an FET this fall. However, because I have my miracle, that puts me in a very VERY weird place. I still follow every blog I started following 2 years ago when I started blogging to connect.
Thank you once again for giving me the answer I was looking for!
I’m pregnant now after my first IVF – but who knows if it’ll stick – so I feel like I’m sitting on the fence between the two worlds of IF and PAIF, hoping I’ll make it to PAIF with this one. I’m kind of undecided: I think it would be nice to have a PAIF corner. But on the other hand, amidst my sadness, I was always happy when I clicked on an IF blog and saw that the blogger was no pregnant. Because it’s always given me hope. And still does.