PAIL: March Theme Post–On Matters of the Boob

Welcome to the March Theme Post on breastfeeding. Below you’ll find my own entry as well as a list of all the other participants in the order they were submitted. There are some great stories here, spanning all kinds of perspectives on breastfeeding including discussions on formula, the pressures of breastfeeding, the emotions of not being able to breastfeed due to adoption or other issues, the successes of those who struggled and the fears and worries of mamas-to-be. I encourage you to peruse the list and discover each other.

A huge thank you to everyone that participated–we’ll do it again in April! 

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On Matters of the Boob by Elphaba

Before I ever even thought of having children, I’d never given much thought to breastfeeding. Even the first time I got pregnant (and then wasn’t), and the months and months after that while I was trying to get pregnant again, I didn’t give it that much thought. I guess I just assumed I’d do it, because that’s what everyone said I should do. The thought of it neither terrified, nor inspired me. It’s just what mothers do with babies.

As a result, I put absolutely no effort into learning about it while I was pregnant. With all the obsessive research I’d done on fertility and pregnancy and babies, I have no idea why this one facet escaped my notice. I didn’t get why everyone made such a big deal about it–how hard could it be? I’d figure it out. Put baby on boob. Seemed straight forward enough.

Of course, that cocky, ignorant attitude came back to bite me in the ass big time. My one piece of advice to pregnant women everywhere--learn as much as you can about breastfeeding.

We had nothing but problems from day one. From troubles latching, to flat nipples, to annoying nipple shields, to thrush, to indescribable pain (aka the rape of the nipple), to explosive green poop, to massive engorgement, to fire-hose like oversupply, it was an uphill battle all the way.

But for some reason, I became absolutely determined to make it work.

So I went to every breastfeeding clinic and meeting I could find. I had the number of every lactation consultant in the city on speed dial. I made bold, rash decisions. I cried. A lot.

But everyone promised me, “it gets easier.” I clung to that promise, and eventually, it did. Now that we’re three months in, Alice is exclusively breastfed and I credit sheer stubbornness and a whole lot of dumb luck to that.

However, taking away all the the technical problems associated with nursing, I think the thing that surprised me the most is how all-consuming it is. How my breasts, once useless pieces of tissue used as mere playthings, are now on my mind constantly. I think about my breasts all the time and I talk about my breasts to anyone that will listen. (Weirdly enough, that makes some people squirm.)

It can kind of be a lot of pressure knowing you are the sole source of sustenance for your child. And since we discovered Alice won’t take a bottle, that means I am on call 24/7. As a result, it has become practically the only thing I think about. The moment Alice starts to fuss, I assume she must be hungry (what else could it be?) and I feel like I’m constantly shoving my boob in her face.

It’s even the little things, like the fact that I’ve never had a cleavage in my entire life and I have no idea what to do with it–I’m constantly hanging out, unaware that busty women can’t get away with unsupportive tank tops or deep V-necks. The first time I exercised, I thought I was going to fall flat on my face.

There’s also the fact that 90% of my wardrobe (notwithstanding the 20 lbs of baby weight I need to lose) is currently useless for the foreseeable future, because you just can’t breastfeed in a high-necked dress.

Of course, like any mother, I’d do anything for my baby and all of it is worth it. I’m glad I stuck with it and that we were able to make it work.

All consuming or not, we’re in this for the long haul now. Hell, I’ve even caught myself thinking we’ll keep nursing well past the age of one. Consider me converted.

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March Theme Posts:

• Coco at Fruitsnacks and Freezer Jam relates an unusual and unexpected side effect of breastfeeding.
• Heather at The Road Less Traveled talks about her rocky road through breastfeeding.
• Kim at From TTC to Mommy, thanks to IVF talks about how her views on breastfeeding changed after her first was born and how things went with her second child.
• CourtneyAnna at Finally Forever talks about her difficulties breastfeeding after her baby was born three weeks early via C-section.
• babyandthegeeks shares her concerns and questions about breastfeeding prior to giving birth.
• Tracy at Just Let Go takes us on a trip through Formula Hell.
• SLESE1014 at Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration relates her difficult experiences during six weeks of breastfeeding.
• AS at Mira’s Mama shares her experiences as she reaches that happy place where breastfeeding clicks.
• ozifrog at maybe baby and the adventures of hub-in-boots shares just how much she doesn’t know about breastfeeding yet.
• Amy at not undecided talks about maintaining flexibility and expectations as she prepares to breastfeed her baby.
• Allison at Allison’s Wonderland relates her experiences in breastfeeding, post-partum depression and the nipple shield.
• June at Because of Match talks about how she never planned to breastfeed and what happened from there.
• A Miracle in the Works weighs breast versus bottle.
• Christina at According to C talks about her plans for breastfeeding once her baby arrives.
• Becky at Lessons from an Infertile Social Worker talks about weaning her one-year-old and extended nursing.
• Mrs Barney Rubble relates her feelings on how, as an adoptive mother, she was unable to breastfeeding.
• ANDMom shares her thoughts on the pressure to breastfeed and why she’s happy with her decision to formula feed.
• Brie at The Delicate Balances muses about returning back to the breast after 3.5 years.
• Mrs. Gamgee at Hobbitish Thoughts and Ramblings shared what she learned while trying to breastfeed her daughter.
• Ashley at Traditionally Nontraditional talks about trusting in her body prior to breastfeeding.
• ana at anabegins shares strategy and tactics during breast wars.
• saranissa at the Making of Me talks about the early hours of breastfeeding and her successes.
• No Baby Ruth talks about the gift that is breastfeeding.
• Artistmouse at Artistmouse’s Blog talks about her breast milk and its super powers.
• Amy at Pearls and Curls talks about her favourite tools of the trade the joys of breastfeeding.
• Rachael at The Second Act offers a perspective as the daughter of a Le Leche League Leader.
• CK at This Beautiful Life shares her experiences dealing with reflux and breastfeeding.
• Chon at My Path to Insanity & Beyond shares her fears that she won’t be able to breastfeed.
• Josey at My Cheap Version of Therapy shares her thoughts on the beauty of the breast (along with some helpful advice).
• Courtney at All the Sun For You has some interesting info on those fancy hospital-grade pumps.
• Uncommon Nonsense talks about her desire to keep breastfeeding in the face of numerous issues.
• Elizabeth at Snips, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails shares her unique feeding story in dealing with Mitochondrial disease.
• One Day at Are We There Yet? talks about being a pumping mama with twins.
• AL at Mission:Motherhood talks about her surprise at being able to breastfeed after having many doubts.
• Revelations of an Infertile Mom talks about nursing as an adoptive mother and how she was able to make it work for a while.
• Mom PharmD shares the reasons she chose to breastfeed.

PS–I really, really hope I didn’t miss anyone. If I did, let me know. I apologize profusely if I missed you. 

Month 3

Dear Alice,

Today you are three months old and I must continue to marvel at how quickly this is all going, but more importantly than that, how much my love for you seems to get bigger every day. I once heard the love for your children described that you don’t just love your children, you fall in love with them and I think that’s the perfect way to express it. Except that unlike a lover, this love comes with no strings or complications and is entirely unconditional.

This month has been a busy one. While you continue to get stronger (you’re now 13 lbs 14 oz) and more interactive, you are also becoming so much more aware of the world around you. There is no doubt you know who Mom and Dad are in a room full of people and it’s always an amazing feeling to notice you seeking me out, always keeping an eye on where I am.

In just the last week, you’ve discovered the existence of your toys. While they were once just colourful decorations surrounding you throughout the day, you are now holding them, staring at them, putting them in your mouth. (It seems ridiculous that they are all marked 0+months, so that for the first three months when you didn’t even know they were there, it felt like they might soon expire and I fretted that you weren’t being entertained enough.)

You experienced your second baby shower thanks to my co-workers and once again, you were the life of the party, foregoing sleep or fussiness lest you should miss a moment of the action. You refuse to lie back anymore, always reaching forward as though to sit up, except you aren’t strong enough yet. I wonder if you’re trying to get an early start on that six pack. (If you inherited my tendency to put weight on my middle then a) that goal will always be elusive and b) I’m sorry about that.) Nonetheless, it’s always amusing to watch.

You’ve also discovered your voice, babbling away at every opportunity. And of course the most amazing moment of all was when you laughed for the first time. I was giving you a bath by yourself and the strangest sound came from you. After a moment, I realized you were giggling and I almost died. It was the most surprising and beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. Dad was disappointed he missed it, but in the past few days he’s been the one to discover how to make you do it again. Chasing the dog around the living room and playing peekaboo have incited joyful belly laughs, I could listen to all day long. It is truly the cutest thing I have ever seen (even cuter than baby polar bears, which are awfully cute.)

You are now moving into a new phase that is becoming more and more fun everyday–your newborn days are officially over. As your sparkling little personality emerges, I am constantly awed by this tiny life I am responsible for. I am so lucky to be your mom.

Love,
Mom

PS–Just a quick reminder, if you haven’t already submitted to the March Theme Post, you’ve got a few more days to do so!

Daycare woes

Yesterday Alice and I went to go and check out a potential daycare for that horrible, dreaded day that I have to return to the workforce. I’m not sure what it’s like down south of the border, but in Canada, daycare spaces are about as scarce as two pink lines on an infertile’s home pregnancy test.

Thus, “going to check out a daycare” around these parts is really just code for “sucking up to whomever is in charge of letting your child in”. Oh, there’s an official government online registry in place that you’re supposed to sign up to put yourself on waiting lists, but everyone knows these places have their own lists and unless you come bearing frankincense and myrrh on bended knee, there’s no conceivable way your little dumpling is getting in.

There is a home daycare a few houses down from us and thankfully, I had the foresight to go and visit with the woman early in my pregnancy. (Let me tell you, it took a lot of convincing myself it wasn’t too early to talk about this and I realized then that this is another advantage fertiles have over the infertile because all those women were probably out scouting spaces the moment the pee stick dried. But I digress.)

She seemed nice and while her house isn’t glamorous, it was clean and well-cared for. What else can I ask for? So we put our names down and paid the deposit and went on our merry way. There’s also another centre close to our house that we went to yesterday and again, it’s clean and the staff was welcoming and the infant area seemed really cozy and nice.

Of course the whole time I was there all I could think about was when I’d have to actually leave Alice there. My problem isn’t with any of these places themselves–they’re nice, and at some point I have to trust someone with my child–but just the fact that I have to leave her there at all is already sending me into a tailspin.

I’m going to be a complete and total wreck, and I’m goddamn lucky because that day is still eight plus months away. (Did I tell you about the nightmares I’m already having about going back to work?)

Logically I know it’ll probably be good for her. There’s a reason my two-year-old niece can hold a conversation better than some adults I know–she’s learned so much from hanging around older kids all day. There is no substitute for the social interaction Alice will be the beneficiary of in daycare. (Obviously, she’d get it at school eventually, but here we’re starting even earlier.)

She’ll probably really enjoy herself actually–playing with other kids all day has got to be lots of fun. And then there’s my side of the story–every working mother I know says she’s a better mom because she works. (I’m not sure I believe that yet, but we’ll see.)

But still, since the day she was born, Alice and I have spent pretty much 24 hours a day together and it’s going to be so hard to let go of that. I know every working mother has to go through this eventually, and while I still have lots of time, I’m still dreading it.

Why can’t it be like we’re in the 50s still when Dad was the breadwinner and Mom stayed home? I could really get behind that.

 

 

The evil of parenting books

Before I talk about what I actually want to talk about, I’ll say very quickly that I won’t be talking about that stuff that happened anymore. The only reason I’m bringing it up now is to say thank you so much for all your supportive posts, comments, emails and tweets. I am so happy that so many of you love PAIL and that the list continues to grow everyday (we’re closing in on 150 blogs now). I’m moving on and I’m hoping everyone else can now too.

So, what I really want to talk about is what I’ve come to regard as the evil that is the parenting book. I’ve often lamented that babies don’t pop out clutching little instruction manuals, but there is certainly a vast plethora of ‘experts’ out there who seem intent on creating one that will answer all of our burning questions.

We are still having a lot of trouble with Alice’s sleep. If this is just the work of a growth spurt or similar phenomenon, it’s now lasted more than three weeks. That’s one hell of a growth spurt and I’ve come to the realization that that’s probably not what’s going on.

Of course when times are tough I turn to my old friend: obsessive research.

So I decided to take out a book on baby sleep and ended up with Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. Somewhere between breastfeeding and pooping (not mine, Alice’s pooping) I chugged through it as fast as I could. The problem was that it left me more confused than ever.

Dr. Weissbluth asserted that babies around three months should be having three naps a day and that their waking time between naps shouldn’t be more than two hours.

I’ll let you do the math on that.

Let me end the suspense–it doesn’t work.

Okay, supposing you manage that part (and I don’t see how), these naps are supposed to happen around the same time everyday. The good ol’ doctor says do your errands later, mom. Okay, fine. So say I do all that, the doc then asserts that in between naps you shouldn’t allow baby to sleep, so no car rides or walks that might but them to sleep. (Apparently, any naps not taken in a bed in a dark room is considered the sleep equivalent of stuffing your gullet full of Cheetos and Pepsi.)

So tell me, when the hell are we supposed to go anywhere? Alice and I like going out. We have our mom’s group on Wednesdays, we have baby yoga on Mondays, we have stroller fitness on Tuesdays and we have lots of other babies to visit. I seem to have a fuller social calendar now than I ever have–go figure.

Then the circle of guilt and shame starts. Should I be putting a regimented nap schedule ahead of my own selfish need to get out of the house once in a while? Am I just setting myself up for night waking because I’m not dedicated to, in fact, creating healthy sleep habits therefore and a happy child?

It’s then I decide that all parenting books are evil. Surely these doctors and experts have never really followed their own advice? The worst part is that really just left more confused than ever and part of me wishes I’d never read it in the first place.

Okay, I better go. According to Dr. Weissbluth, it’s nap time. (And yah, that goes for me too.)

PS–Isn’t it funny you’re constantly being told no pillows, blankets or soft bedding for babies and yet the baby on the cover of this book looks like he’s in an ad for Bed, Bath & Beyond?

PPS–And besides I think my child seems pretty happy. What earth do I need sleep for anyways?

PAIL: Monthly theme post

I’m sure many of you have seen and been involved in yesterday’s discussion regarding the PAIL blogroll. I admit I was a little surprised that it caused such a stir. My initial reaction, naturally, was to go on a little on the defensive, but when I thought about it a little more, I realized there was no reason for that.

There is absolutely no reason two blogrolls can’t exist–in my opinion they are serving two entirely different purposes. There are websites and forums and blogrolls scattered far and wide across the internet dealing with infertility, loss and what comes after. Many people do and will belong to many of these now and always, depending on what need they are looking to fill.

I’ll just reiterate what I said initially about the idea of a parenting after infertility and loss blogroll–namely, what I wanted was an active community where the focus was more on being a mother and not about loss and infertility. Of course, those experiences as a parent are coloured by the difficult journey to get there, but the main point was that I didn’t want to keep talking about infertility all the time.

I wanted to talk more about being a mother. But I didn’t feel like I fit in with the fertiles over in the mommy blog camp.

The truth is that it’s just too much of an emotional minefield to talk about your lack of sleep or trials of breastfeeding within the ALI community. Your audience is comprised of women who want nothing more than to know what it’s like to be kept up all night by a screaming baby or have sore nipples from breastfeeding. I know that’s how I felt when I was in the trenches. I would often cringe when I saw anyone who sounded like they might even be kind of complaining about parenting.

So many people commented on how they lost all their readers once their children were born or they got pregnant and so many more said they never knew where to go because they started blogging after their infertility journey.

That’s what this was about. It was about connecting with other people like me in an active and regular forum. I was thrilled to hear that many of you supported the project and that the list is now up to more than 130 blogs.

It was never intended to take away from anyone or anything that already existed. I do feel bad if that’s how anyone took it, but, of course, that was never the intention. If had thought I was stepping on any toes, I would definitely have spoken to the toes in question first. It was meant to exist in parallel with whatever was already there, never instead of.

I will also reiterate again how utterly amazing I think the ALI community is. I don’t know what I would have done without it. I commend the hard work Mel has done and think it’s absolutely wonderful. Out of respect, there will be no comment leaving type of event as part of this community.

What I would like to do now is move forward with an idea I wanted to implement that I sincerely hope you’ll enjoy and that’s a monthly theme post.

The idea would be to pick a topic each month related to parenting and get everyone who’d like to to post about it to do so. I would then create a list of those posts that everyone could visit, so we can discover and learn more about each other.

To get things started, I’m going to pick a topic that is near and dear to my heart and that is the subject of breastfeeding.

Here’s how it will go:

1. Write your post on the subject of breastfeeding and whatever that means to you. What were your impressions before you did it? How did they change once you started? If you’re pregnant, how do you feel about it? What have you done to prepare? If you decided not to, why did you make that decision? Did you face judgement whatever you decided to do? How did it go? What might you do differently the next time? etc. You don’t have to answer all the questions, just pick a topic that works for you. (And obviously, these are just a few examples.)

2. You have a week to write the post. Once you’re done, email me the link to yolkblogger@gmail.com. Submissions will be accepted until the end of Tuesday, March 13. If you’ve already written an awesome post on breastfeeding in the past, then feel free to submit that if you want. 

3. On Wednesday, March 14, I will post the list of blogs and you can explore them to your heart’s content. 

ETA: Someone commented about those who adopted or pursued surrogacy and that this space should be welcoming for them too–and I totally agree (sorry for not considering that initially–evidently, I’ve got a lot to learn about this space too!). Obviously not every monthly topic is going to apply to everyone, but I think the breastfeeding one could still apply. Surely those who adopted had feelings about the fact they might not be able to breastfeed? Was that something that was important in that journey, or was it not significant? I think those thoughts could be quite powerful. Also, I’ve seen some women who’ve attempted it–were you one of those? Were you able to? I’m sure that would be an absolutely fascinating post to read. Just some more ideas. Like I said, the topic should apply to you in whatever context is appropriate to your life and situation.

I hope you like this idea and plenty of you will participate. I look forward to reading everyone’s thoughts!

Does grief trump discomfort?

It’s a question that gets asked a lot when people talk about their dead babies–does a parent’s need to share their grief over a child that never was trump the uncomfortable collar tugging it incites from the general public?

That’s the question asked in this article from Maclean’s magazine that I’m sure many of you have seen already. I can’t express how disappointed I am that a publication I once respected has come up with such drivel.

When it comes to the loss of a spouse, sibling, parent, grandparent etc. the people who loved them are allowed to grieve openly and with the consent of everyone else (to a point). But when it comes to grieving miscarriages and stillbirths, there is an unspoken pact that we shall not talk about such unseemly things, lest it make someone uncomfortable.

What I want to know is at what point did a person’s need to feel comfortable become more important than someone who’s heart has been broken into a thousand pieces?

I’m not sure if the writer of this article has ever experienced a loss (but it does read as though she has no clue).

I’m sure if she had, she would understand that it’s not really about the physical body. Yes, people who lose late term babies will take photos and share them and yes, they can be hard to look at, but ultimately it’s not about the flesh and bone in the photo, it’s about the promise that was lost. It was about the memories and moments that will never happen–those first steps, that first word, the first day of school, a wedding, grandchildren etc.

It’s about the circle of life being broken and sometimes never repaired.

And this is precisely why there is no blurring of lines when it comes to deciding what is life and what isn’t in the abortion debate. I can be as pro-choice as I want, that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel a physical sense of loss when I had my miscarriage. I had no baby–the manifestation of my pregnancy was unceremoniously flushed down a toilet (something I was acutely aware of during and after it happened), but it was the promise that was lost and that’s what I grieved for.

This is about is judging how someone handles their grief and that’s just not fair. There are numerous comments on the article that state the writer has no idea what she’s talking about and just as many rebuttals asking “how do we know she’s never experienced a loss? Everyone grieves differently.”

And there’s the rub–everyone grieves differently.

If the writer and commenters who say they have experienced loss can stand up and say, “this is how I grieved, I got over, so should you, and the writer is entitled to her opinion because everyone grieves differently,” how can they marginalize anyone else for choosing to grieve the way they do?

The reason there are groups of people on the internet talking so much about miscarriage and stillbirth is precisely because the people in our real lives don’t want to hear it. It’s precisely because they don’t want to see pictures of dead babies that our blogs exist. Why was it so wrong for Jay-Z to talk about Beyonce’s miscarriage? She probably felt as alone when it happened as the rest of us do.

Ultimately, I think we just want to be heard. We just want people to look at us and acknowledge that we have lost something–and sometimes that’s why we can’t stop talking about it. I know when I had my miscarriage, the most hurtful thing someone could do was pretend like nothing had happened.

There is no “fetus fetishization” as the article claims and to suggest that is pretty insulting. It makes all of us seem like crazy people worshiping dead babies at the altar and we all know that’s not what it’s about. The final sentence in the article reads, “the evolving focus on perinatal death potentially affects far more than bereaved families,” as though this were some surprise revelation and a negative consequence of bringing pregnancy loss into the open.

I say it just states what we already all knew. When a couple loses a baby, it is about so much more than just those two people. Of course it bloody effects everyone around them–that’s what death does.

And it’s about time people started realizing that.

PAIL: The next steps

I am thrilled to say that in just a matter of days, we already have more than 100 bloggers in the PAIL network. It’s obvious from reading many of your posts on the topic (and the overwhelming response so far) that I wasn’t alone in feeling caught between worlds.

I was also so happy to see how many of you pregnant ladies decided to join as well. Given the background of everyone on this list, we all know that being pregnant can sometimes feel tenuous and it can be hard to stand up and say ‘I am pregnant, hear me roar’ or such and such. You know what I mean.

But I love that you’re all here and I hope you found some other mamas-to-be that are due around the same time as you to connect with.

Okay, and while we’re on the topic, I want to address the pink elephant in the room. What happens when a pregnant PAIL member finds herself…well…no longer pregnant? (And, I’m obviously talking about the bad kind of not-pregnant here.)

I hate to even ask this, but what would people want in this situation? I’ve put a poll here to gather some opinions on the topic, so that we can devise the most sensitive way possible to deal with it.

What should happen in the case of a pregnant PAIL member, should the worst happen? I would like to remain in the network unless I specifically ask to be removed.

I would like to be removed from the network immediately without being asked.

I would like to be contacted and asked what I would like to do--stay or leave.

You’ll notice I’ve organized bloggers into approximate ages of their children. As the list gets longer, I’ll probably but in a few more sub-categories, but for now, I think this is a good place to start.

I’ve got a few ideas up my sleeve including some contests that I’m planning in the months to come.

Of course, we’ll also have birth announcements for our pregnant friends when their little ones join the world.

If you’ve got any other ideas on things you’d like to see, please let me know.

And before I sign off, just a friendly reminder to add the PAIL button to your blog sidebar. You should have been emailed instructions, but if you need them again, they can be found here. For Blogger users, I’ve added a second option for adding the button since a few people seemed to be having problems with the first bit of code.

Thank you to everyone who joined already and for your support so far. This is going to be fun!

Oh sleep, you are a mystery

About two weeks ago, I was the most well-rested woman in the world, relatively speaking. My baby was practically sleeping through the night at just 8 weeks old!

She was going down at around 8pm, falling asleep without drama  and waking for a feed around 3 or 4 am. (Dear pacifier, I love you with all my heart and soul and if you leave my baby emotionally dependent on a piece of flexible plastic for the rest of her life, we’ll just deal with that in very expensive therapy one day.)

She’d then go back to sleep (again, no drama) and sleep until about 7am. I was getting so much rest I didn’t know what to do with myself. (Sort of.)

But then suddenly, everything changed. What were once peaceful and restful nights suddenly turned into a baby that now had to be cajoled, tricked and dragged into slumber followed by nights where she’d wake up to eat Every. Two. Hours. What happened? When we see a sudden change for the better, we don’t question it, but when things go pear-shaped, we wonder what we’ve done wrong. Was I putting her to bed at the wrong time? Was my nighttime ritual incorrect? Or was it just one of those things babies do?

I was tired, but there must be some kind of mothering hormone that kicks in when you have a baby, because despite the fact I wasn’t getting any sleep, I actually felt okay after the first day or two of this. (I’m being totally serious.)

Anyways, I figured I could deal with constant feeding–that’s just par for the course. She’s still so little and still has so much to figure out. That’s just what babies do. But then three nights ago, we entered a bizarre new phase that I am trying to puzzle through, namely, as some point (and it’s been a different time each day), Alice will start fussing in her bassinet and I’ll reach over to pick her up, assuming she’s hungry.

I’ll try to feed her, but that’s when all hell breaks loose.

Apparently, she’s not hungry, she just wants to scream bloody murder for a while. And so, for about five minutes she’ll cry hysterically and the only thing that will calm her down is the white noise machine. (BTW, Izzy, that thing was the greatest gift ever. I can’t tell you what a lifesaver it’s been.)

Then I can rock her all I want, but she won’t go back into her bassinet and I end up having to take her into bed with me for an hour or two of sleep. Eventually, I can return her back to her bed and we’ll sleep until morning and then she seems completely content and happy.

So I can’t quite figure out what’s going on. I’ve been reading about night terrors, but this doesn’t sound like it and it seems she’s way too young for that.

The other night I went to the hairdresser and left Mr. M with a bottle for her which she refused and therefore screamed for an hour until I got home, so is it some residual emotional trauma? (Oh my god, I’m the worst mother in the world and I’ve already sworn never to leave her again. Even when she’s 30.)

Impending growth spurt? She’d be a little early for her three month one, but I guess it’s possible.

Early teething? God I hope not because teeth + breastfeeding scares the ever-loving crap out of me.

I’m not sure. It’s not that I mind waking up a few times during the night, but that she seems so unhappy during this episode and, well, it breaks my heart.

I haven’t delved into the plethora of sleep books out there yet–I was planning to use the method that things would just work themselves out eventually, but maybe that’s not going to happen. Maybe I do need some more structure here?

Too bad babies don’t come out clutching teeny tiny instruction manuals when they exit the womb.

The Breastfeeding Chronicles, Part XVIIIV$#@%^%$

Okay, so breastfeeding is no longer going as poorly as my title would suggest. I’m actually pretty amazed at how far we’ve come in the last month and was happy to discover that those people who swore it would get easier, were right.

I’m also happy to report the rape of the nipple is no longer happening. I do still have a little pain from time to time, but the difference between then and now is astonishing. When last I spoke about breastfeeding, I was dealing with a massive overflow issue that resulted in me water-boarding my daughter on a regular basis.

About two weeks ago, Alice started to refuse my right breast because I think she was a little tired of feeling like she was drowning in a sea of milk. And I guess who could blame her. I will admit, I had a bit of a breakdown that morning out of sheer frustration with the whole breastfeeding thing.

I’ve been going every Wednesday morning to a group called Breastfeeding Buddies, run by the local health authority here and they gave me some good advice on skin-to-skin contact to try and get her to start feeding on the right side again. So I went home and stripped us both down and got into bed and put Alice on top of me. And wouldn’t you know it? Slowly, slowly she made her way across my chest, towards my right breast and just latched right on, perfect as can be. It was pretty amazing to watch actually. Mother Nature does know her shit sometimes.

That night I also decided to go to a La Leche meeting since  I felt like I needed all the help I could get. Except that was a total bust because some dumb moron ended up monopolizing the entire two hours of the meeting with her pointless whiny drivel, so that by 9pm, Alice and I were both exhausted, crying and ready to go home. I got back to our house and I started swearing a blue streak in frustration. It had just been a long day.

Eventually I managed to calm down. (Only a few things were broken.)

Since then, we’ve continued with what I like to call the “face plant feed”, letting gravity work with us instead of against us. My supply seems to be adjusting a little, but the girls are still pretty ripe most of the time. I’m hoping things will still improve a little more.

Anyways, I guess the point of this post is to say that breastfeeding is hard. But we’ve come so far and the very best advice I got at the beginning was not to give up–it will get easier. I’m now at the point where I don’t even have to get out of bed at night, I just plop Alice on top of me, let her feed and then put her back in her bassinet. It’s made those late-night feedings so much more enjoyable. During the day, feeding no longer feels like the endless chore it once did. Feedings are now very quick–only about five minutes–and starting to spread apart so it’s not quite so constant. I’ve also gotten pretty comfortable with feeding her in public, so I don’t feel totally housebound anymore.

It’s been amazing. I’ve been waiting for that connection, that bond that they say is created through breastfeeding and I think we’re finally there.

 

PS–Thank you to everyone who signed up for the PAIL blogroll yesterday. What a great response already! Just a reminder to add the button to your sidebars if you haven’t done so already and if you could give a shout out to the project in a future blogpost, so we can connect to as many people as possible, that would be fantastic. I have emailed everyone the code and instructions. For those who aren’t ready to join but would like to add the button anyways, click here for the code and instructions. 

PAIL: Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility and Loss

Thank you for all the awesome feedback yesterday–I’m thrilled to see I wasn’t the only one feeling caught between worlds. So I think we should do this thing.

My thought is that we call the network PAIL: Parenting/Pregnant after Infertility and Loss. Feedback on that?

I know a few of you expressed the desire to join because you’d experienced a loss but not infertility and I think that’s perfect. I think the point everyone made in the comments is that what we needed was a network of people that get pregnancy isn’t sunshine and unicorn farts and that being lucky enough to have a baby is an incredible gift.

It’s more about an attitude than a list of criteria you must meet.

So on that note, there are absolutely no rules if you’d like to join–if you feel you want to be part of it, then you are most welcome. I thought the first place to start is with a blog roll of those interested. I’ll make a button in the next few days for you to add to your own blogs so that it can link to the complete list.

In the meantime, please fill out the form at this link with your own info and we’ll get this rolling.

If you have any ideas or thoughts on what you’d like to see come out of this, please feel free to email me at yolkblogger at gmail dot com.

I’m so excited about this!

For more info on what this is all about, please read my post from yesterday.

Cheers,
Elphie